Assistance
by CuteCButtons
Summary: A Gaara, Kankuro, and Temari fic. A silly story about the Sand Siblings. Kankuro and Temari worry about their little brother. Gaara learns to enjoy life a bit more. Full of innuendo and hilarious misunderstandings.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. If you see anything you recognize, I'm just borrowing it.**

**Author's Warning: This is what some people might call a crack fic. If you really like it, please leave a review. It encourages me. **

Summary: Gaara, Kankuro, and Temari. A silly story about the Sand Siblings. Kankuro and Temari worry about their little brother. Gaara learns to enjoy life a bit more.

Chapter 1

Kankuro rubbed the back of his neck as he opened the door to the house the Sand Siblings shared. The rolled up scroll in his pocket felt strangely weighty.

"Oh man," Kankuro muttered. "How am I going to explain this to Gaara? Hell, how am I going to explain this to Temari?"

"Explain what to Temari?" came the familiar, all-knowing, big sister voice.

Kankuro jumped, despite the fact that he really should have expected it.

"Uh…well…"

"What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!"

"Uh-huh. What did you _not_ do?" Temari's slender, but muscled, arms crossed over in front of her, and she raised a single piercing eyebrow.

Kankuro sighed. "Is dinner ready?"

"Yeah." Without missing a beat, Temari continued, "You're not getting any until you tell me what you're not telling me."

"You might as well be sitting down."

Temari's brow furrowed, but she nodded and the two made their way into the kitchen.

"Where's Gaara?"

"He's working late. Said he wasn't hungry."

"Hn. You should've made him stop and eat."

"He's not a little boy."

Kankuro sighed and muttered, "You can say that again."

"What?" Temari asked suspiciously.

Kankuro rubbed his forehead. Temari was a very straightforward kunoichi. She wasn't the type to giggle and blush. Sometimes she was a little too blunt for his liking, like when she criticized his personal life—and lack thereof. Still. She was his sister, and there were things you just didn't want to discuss with your sister. But she was glaring at him, so…

"You know that Deep Sand sect out by the Taharan Pass?"

"Misogynistic pricks? Can't find their asses with both hands and a map? Yeah, what about them?"

Kankuro winced. Temari was not going to take this well.

"They want to pay homage to the new Kazekage by sending a present."

"Okaay?" she drawled, waiting for the catch.

"Uh. Yeah."

"They want to send a present?"

"Yeah."

"So? Lots of people send Gaara presents. We've still got to figure out what to do with those freaking camels."

"Well, er…you know there's not a lot out there, aside from sand, that is."

"Well, Gaara does like sand," Temari drawled, impatiently waiting for Kankuro to spit it out.

"I don't think they'd send Gaara sand. That would be kind of dumb, Temari."

"So is waiting for you to finish a thought."

"Heh," Kankuro chuckled. "At least you're in a good mood."

"Why don't you just tell me already?"

Kankuro uncomfortably rubbed the back of his head. "They want to send Gaara a…a…a _you_ know."

"If I _knew_, this conversation would have been finished an hour ago."

"They want to send him a _helper_."

"A helper? What for?"

"To…you know. To help him. With stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"You know…guy stuff."

Now Temari was scowling. "What, they want to give him lessons on how to _be a man_?"

"Uh, I guess you could put it like that."

"Great. Just great."

"So, the girl will probably arrive in a few days. Could you see about getting things ready?"

"Girl?" Temari's brow furrowed in confusion.

"Yeah. Girl. You know. Sort of curvy. Mostly smell nice. Higher-pitched voices."

Temari smacked him in the back of the head. "I know what a girl is!"

"Okay! Okay! Then why are you acting so clueless?"

"Why would those guys send a female delegate? It just seems out of character."

Kankuro huffed in exasperation. Sometimes the Sand Siblings communicated without words—in battle, on the road, during training. This was definitely not one of those days.

"They're sending him a concubine, Temari."

"…"

"Temari?" Kankuro asked, anxiously studying her slightly green face.

"No! Tell her to go home!"

"Temari," Kankuro sighed, "we can't. That would be seen as a major offense."

"No way are we letting Gaara be exposed to something so, so…yyeuck!"

"Temari."

"He's been traumatized enough as it is! And he's finally starting to fit in and feel like he belongs!"

"Temari, he's the Kazekage."

"He's not even old enough to drink!"

"We have to take the girl. If the Kazekage turns her away, it would be a very bad political move."

Temari growled deep in her chest.

Kankuro started. She really sounded like a mother bear that had sensed danger approaching her cub.

"I really wanted him to find a nice girl eventually. If this happens," Temari sighed wearily. "If this happens, it might destroy his ability to have a healthy relationship with a woman."

"It won't be as bad as all that," Kankuro reassured her. "I'll be sure and give him some good brotherly advice."

Temari's eyes narrowed even further. "You will do no such thing."

"What? You want to do it? Remember when Yashamaru took us aside and gave us the birds and the bees talk?"

Temari flushed irritably. "Yeah. I've blocked out most of it. He mostly talked in riddles anyway."

"Well, _I_ distinctly remember that Gaara _wasn't there_."

"So?"

"So...so…come on, Temari, we don't have that many adult-type guidance figures, you know. Do you honestly think Baki took Gaara aside at some point and explained things to him?"

Temari paled. "You mean…you mean Gaara might not even know about…?"

"Yeah. That's exactly what I'm saying."

"…"

"So, I'll just take him aside and explain."

"_No_."

"Temari."

"_No_."

Kankuro decided to call it quits for tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. If you see anything you recognize, I'm just borrowing it.**

**Author's Warning: This is what some people might call a crack fic. If you really like it, please leave a review. It encourages me. **

Summary: Gaara, Kankuro, and Temari. A silly story about the Sand Siblings. Kankuro and Temari worry about their little brother. Gaara learns to enjoy life a bit more.

Chapter 2

In the end, it was Temari that met with the delegates from the Deep Sand, and it was Temari that welcomed the new "guest." Gaara was busy meeting with Shizune from Leaf about the academy teacher exchange.

"Tawany-A-Nalaya-Ela…" Temari trailed off. _Jeez. I just wanted to ask her if she's hungry. _

"Just call me Tawny, Miss Temari," her companion answered perkily.

Everything about "Tawny" was perky. Her rich, honey-colored curls fell in graceful waves down her back. Her hazel eyes and golden skin gleamed. She was long-legged and highly…endowed. _She's taller than Gaara_, his sister also realized.

"Where is Master Gaara?"

"He's busy right now."

"Oh! Should I go and wait for him in his quarters?"

Temari visibly winced.

"About that…you know, you don't really have to do this."

"Do what?" Tawny blinked with innocent confusion.

"You don't have to…be here, if you don't want to."

"Oh, I see." Tawny's large eyes were suddenly swimming with tears. "It's my hips isn't it? I'm too fat!"

"No!"

"He already has a dozen companions," she moaned. "I never wanted this life, but there wasn't much choice. It was better than being one of the common companions. I thought that if I became a high companion, then perhaps I would find a man who would appreciate and need me. But, but, it wasn't meant to be," she sobbed.

"No, I didn't mean it like that!" Temari frantically waved her hands in denial. "It's just that my brother… He's a little different."

Tawny looked up in horror. "It's…It's…It's because I'm not a boy, isn't it!"

"NO!!!"

OOOOO

Kankuro peered around nervously.

"What is the matter, Kankuro? Didn't you want to talk to me?"

"Well, you see, Gaara, there's something you need to know, but Temari doesn't…"

Gaara frowned. "Temari doesn't what?"

"Temari is worried about you."

"Oh." Gaara's brow smoothed as he relaxed. "Is that all? I'm fine, really. I've been more tired lately, since I no longer have Shukaku keeping me awake, but I still have the same amount of work to do. But it's nothing, really. Please do not concern yourselves."

"It's not that simple," Kankuro muttered. "You see…the Deep Sand sect is sending you a…helper."

"Oh."

"Temari is getting her settled," Kankuro trailed off. Then he forged ahead, "She'll be sharing your quarters. She's there to…take care of things…Um…"

_Where had all of that wise elder-brotherly advice fled to? _

"Good," Gaara nodded decisively.

"What?"

"She's exactly what I need. I was thinking of procuring…help such as this...to help me enjoy life more, though I have no real experience…"

"Oh! Um, well it's only natural for someone in your position to have…those sorts of needs."

"Indeed," Gaara nodded.

OOOOO

"How did it go?" Temari inquired carefully.

"Well, I think. Gaara seems…pleased."

"_Pleased?!_"

"Yeah. Apparently he's really been feeling the pressure lately and was already considering…finding some help."

"Kankuro."

"Yeah, Tem?"

"This is terrible."

"It's not so bad. Really," Kankuro assured her.

"You better not have given him any stupid _male_ advice."

"He actually didn't seem interested in advice on how to…um…handle her. Feels he'll figure it out on his own."

"Kankuro…"

"Yeah, sis?"

"I don't want Gaara to turn into one of _those_ types of men. How are we going to fix this?"

Kankuro shrugged helplessly. "There's only so much we can protect him from, Temari. He is the Kazekage. He's a powerful man. And besides, it's just…you know. It's perfectly natural."

Kankuro rubbed the new bump on his head as Temari's determined stride disappeared down the hallway.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. If you see anything you recognize, I'm just borrowing it.**

**Author's Warning: This is what some people might call a crack fic. If you really like it, please leave a review. It encourages me. **

Summary: Gaara, Kankuro, and Temari. A silly story about the Sand Siblings. Kankuro and Temari worry about their little brother. Gaara learns to enjoy life a bit more.

Chapter 3

Tawny looked into the sea foam green eyes before her. They looked tired, but they also held immeasurable strength. This was the famous Kazekage, the fearless protector of the Sunagakure Village.

Gaara studied his new assistant in return. Judging from her physical characteristics, she seemed strong enough. Cheerful. She seemed inherently cheerful. _Her eyes are so big. So innocent. _

Tawny followed the slender Kazekage down a maze of corridors. His poise was quite admirable. When he spoke to her, he looked into her eyes, as opposed to staring at her chest. She wondered where they were headed. As soon as they'd been introduced, he'd explained that the first thing he had to do was show her "The Room."

An enormous set of double doors loomed before them. Deep red with golden embellishment, the entrance seemed to gleam with a dark energy.

Gaara pushed one of the doors open and peered in cautiously. Then he beckoned her closer. Tawny leaned over his shoulder, her full breasts almost touching his arm.

"We…don't need to go in just yet. It's…a little frightening the first time. But don't worry because I won't expect you to really…not at first." Gaara's eyes shifted from the darkness to the vibrant figure before him. Tawny practically glowed with health. Perhaps it was wrong to…

"Gaara-sama, please don't hesitate. I was sent to assist you in any way necessary." Her wide, trusting eyes gazed back at him.

Gaara took in a deep breath and then released it slowly.

"Alright," he nodded slowly. Then he took her arm and led her through the doors.

OOOOO

Dim shadows flickered menacingly along every wall and surface. The room was enormous, and a weighty presence filled the air. In the dim lighting that trickled in from the hallway, Tawny could see complicated shapes along every wall. There were tables with uneven mounds draped over them spread throughout the room.

A soft whispering sound slithered in the darkness. Tawny froze, trying to pinpoint its location. Another companion, perhaps?

Now she felt the tendrils of uncertainty coil in her belly. Sure, she'd had training. She knew that men sometimes had strange…needs. Often the stronger the man, the stronger the…needs. She'd been prepared for the possibility that the Kazekage was likely to have such unusual tastes. His reputation in the Deep Sand Sect was that of a ruthless warrior.

Usually, a permanent match was a highly coveted position at Companion School. Instead of being passed from man to man, a permanent high companion was a member of her master's household. Only the luckiest, most beautiful, most talented girls were chosen for those positions.

Her fellow companions in training had not envied her one bit. Actually, they had all expressed their concern for her well-being, and some of the older ones had shaken their heads sadly as she passed them in the hallways. Apparently, it was rumored that there was a high likelihood she wouldn't last more than a few days. Gaara-sama was a much-feared man.

With growing unease, she eyed the dark shapes in the background. From her studies, she knew what they must be. Sometimes a companion's master would have a special room for "special play." Perhaps Gaara-sama liked to be in control by using equipment such as chains. Would he bind her to one of those tables? Would there be pain and torture before her took her, possessed her?

Gaara sensed her growing disquiet and frowned sadly in the darkness. Surely this would be too much for her. It was too much for _him_. He should not have expected. He should not have hoped.

By now the paranoia and worry had made Tawny a bit light-headed. She swayed dangerously. A strong arm reached out to steady her.

His touch was firm but gentle. His voice, when he finally spoke, was quiet but kind.

"Tawny, you don't have to do this. I…have wanted someone to help me for a while now. As the Kazekage, I have many responsibilities. It is a constant weight, though it is one I have chosen to bear." He turned his head away from her and gazed into the dark shadows.

"This room…in many ways it represents the weight that is passed on from Kazekage to Kazekage. It represents our history; all that we have done and believed is here, in one form or another. I would like for you to help me with this. I need you," he admitted quietly. "Suna needs you, but I will not force this upon you."

Gaara's deep, heartfelt words touched the deepest part of her core. He needed her. The strongest shinobi of Suna needed _her_, but he was also too kind to force himself on her. He wanted to give her the freedom of choice, one she had never been offered before.

Tawny nodded. Her fears dissolved, and a newfound strength flooded her veins. "Gaara-sama," she stated seriously, "I choose this. I choose to serve you in whatever way you deem necessary. I choose to dedicate myself to you and to Suna."

"Thank you," he said quietly.

Tawny simply nodded, and knew that somehow he would sense it. Whatever awaited her, she knew this man was someone that she could accept as her master.

"It's a bit frightening in here. Actually, it's quite frightening in here," he admitted. "I'm going to turn on the light now. Are you prepared?"

"Yes." For all her resolve, Tawny secretly prayed there were no girls chained to the walls.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. If you see anything you recognize, I'm just borrowing it.**

**Author's Warning: This is what some people might call a crack fic. If you really like it, please leave a review. It encourages me. **

Summary: Gaara, Kankuro, and Temari. A silly story about the Sand Siblings. Kankuro and Temari worry about their little brother. Gaara learns to enjoy life a bit more.

Chapter 4

Tawny simply nodded, and knew that somehow he would sense it. Whatever awaited her, she knew this man was someone that she could accept as her master.

"It's a bit frightening in here. Actually, it's quite frightening in here," he admitted. "I'm going to turn on the light now. Are you prepared?"

"Yes." For all her resolve, Tawny secretly prayed there were no girls chained to the walls.

A small amount of sand flicked the light switch on, and a harsh light illuminated the stark realities of the room.

Tawny blinked. No tortured figures. No chains. No illicit toys or sordid devices.

File cabinets stuffed to overflowing marched into the distance. Tables piled high with scrolls, folders, and papers threatened to collapse and bury the two small figures in the center of the room. A scroll in the distance unrolled itself, its free end disappearing under a desk.

"With my position comes a never-ending supply of paperwork. I do it all, eventually. It helps that I don't sleep much, but…" Gaara stared at the room in despair. "Once it's been completed, it goes in here. There are over a hundred years of files in this room, probably much more. Once it's here though…"

Gaara turned to her expectantly. He expected her to run away.

Tawny turned back to him, and he almost jumped at the twin fires in her eyes.

"Leave it to me, Gaara-sama!"

He nodded as she gently, but firmly, steered him out of the room, assuring him in a cheerful manner that she would soon have everything under control.

Gaara blinked at the large doors that had closed in front of his face.

OOOOO

There was no rhyme or reason, as far as she could tell. It was pure, chaotic matter just _waiting_ to be sculpted and molded into beautiful order.

Gaara blinked once more as the sound of maniacal feminine laughter rang down the corridor from the Records Room. He decided not to worry.

OOOOO

"Kazekage-sama," Baki began uncertainly.

"Hm?" Gaara returned absent-mindedly. If he agreed to such a treaty with the Land of Vegetables, surely the Land of Udon would be upset.

"Kazekage-sama," Baki tried again.

Gaara blinked. "Baki, it isn't like you to hesitate. What is wrong?"

"You've requested Class A security access for your new…helper."

"No."

"Oh, I see," Baki sighed in relief. He knew it must have been a misunderstanding. Gaara would never make such a bad judgment call.

"I have _granted_ Class A security access to my new assistant, Tawny."

"Kazekage-sama, do you really think that is wise? What if she's a spy?"

"She is not a spy."

"She did not undergo a background check before being admitted."

"Temari admitted her."

"However-"

"Baki, Tawny is not a spy," he reassured his most trusted advisor and former sensei.

Baki frowned worriedly, but said no more. He would just have to investigate the woman's trustworthiness on his own.

OOOOO

The next morning, Gaara sat with his siblings around their small kitchen table. The young redhead seemed more relaxed than usual. Kankuro laughed uncomfortably and asked in a pretend hearty voice, "So, how did Tawny sleep last night?"

Temari nailed him in the back of the head with a frying pan. Luckily, she'd already removed their breakfast first.

Gaara stopped his bite of rice halfway to his mouth and frowned.

"…I do not know if she slept at all last night…" He fell silent for several moments and seemed almost troubled. "She is very dedicated. I will have to make sure she does not tire herself out unnecessarily."

He brooded quietly for several more minutes as his siblings looked on. Suddenly, his brow cleared. "She seemed happy enough this morning, though, so I think she is alright."

Temari hid her horrified look behind a sudden need to clean the counter.

OOOOO

A hint of dessert blossoms wafted in the air. The room was suffused with a soft glow, and the gentle tinkle of chimes caught his ear. What had the woman done to this place?

"What are you doing here?" a feminine voice demanded.

Baki whirled around. How had she managed to sneak up on him?

Her top could best be described as a fringed, beaded bra. A single metal hoop fit around her hips. Two calf length rectangles of material hung from the front and back of the hoop. This would have been a perfectly respectable skirt had there been any material on the sides, but there was not. Two tiny lines of string forming a V over her hips suggested a meager undergarment. Some part of his brain even registered that she wore beaded sandals on her feet.

His initial plan had been to interrogate the woman discretely. He'd expected either a pliant concubine or a clever, deadly kunoichi masquerading as a pliant concubine.

"I just came to check on a few scrolls I left here last week." The lie slipped off of his tongue easily. He was a jonin, after all. He picked up a random scroll and studied it intently.

"As I thought," her murmured just loudly enough for her to hear. He rolled the scroll expertly, thinking his ruse had held, and tossed it onto a random shelf. Now to question the…

An enormous Intent to Kill flooded the room. He drew a kunai quickly and leapt away from the terrible figure before him, her eyes filled with wrathful flames.

OOOOO

The next morning, Gaara came to breakfast with a diagram.

"What've you got there, Gaara?" Kankuro asked curiously.

"It is…a sort of…rack."

"A…rack?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Do you recommend any craftsmen for building this sort of thing?"

"Why's it important?"

"It is for ease of access," Gaara replied simply. "It needs to be strong enough to support Tawny's weight. She says it will require some straps."

"…Oh," Kankuro responded weakly. "Jisha is pretty good. Though you might want to have Baki look into it. The craftsmen are used to dealing with him when it comes to the Kazekage's jobs."

Gaara shook his head. "Baki is in the hospital, so he can't do it."

"WHAT?! Why is Baki in the hospital? Why didn't anybody tell me?"

"I just did."

"But, but, _why_? I thought he just returned from a mission?"

"He will be fine," Gaara shrugged. "He touched something he should not have, or he handled it in the wrong way. I do not know many of the details. Tawny has banned him from her room as a result, at least for the time being."

Kankuro's jaw dropped comically. "_She_ put him in the hospital?"

Gaara continued to study the design. He murmured quietly. "Chakra strings would be useful for such a thing. Perhaps I will have you assist at some point."

Help his brother with his concubine's…_rack thingy_? Gaara must be kidding. Right? Right?!

OOOOO

Temari and Kankuro avoided the Kazekage's office for several days, both managing to busy themselves with terribly important missions and errands.

"We really ought to check on him," Temari began after Kankuro finished her border patrol report.

"Don't want to get in the way," Kankuro mumbled, his eyes scanning the floor tiles as if the secrets of the universe were hidden there.

"We're going. Now."

"Awe, Tem, what if he's…busy?"

"_Now._"


End file.
